Reconnecting with your children after years of absence can be a challenging but rewarding process. It requires patience, humility, and a genuine commitment to understanding their feelings and rebuilding trust.
Here's how you can approach it:
* Reflect on the Past and Take Responsibility.
Before reaching out, honestly reflect on your past actions and the pain you may have caused. Take full responsibility for your behavior without making excuses or minimizing the impact on your children. Understand the depth of their pain and validate their experiences. If you're unsure what you did, an apology such as, "I am sorry that I have hurt you. I want to take responsibility for the ways I have failed you, and I am ready to hear from you about what you are feeling," can be a good starting point. Avoid saying "I'm sorry for whatever I did" or trying to defend your past actions.
Initiate Contact with Empathy and No Expectations.
When you're ready, try initiating contact. A written letter can be effective as it allows you to express your feelings clearly and gives your children time to process. In your communication, express how much you've missed them and how happy you are to see them again. Let them know you love them and want to mend the relationship. However, be prepared that they may have reservations or even anger about your absence. Do not force positive responses or expect immediate forgiveness. Your apology should not come with expectations.
Listen Actively and Validate Their Feelings.
When you do connect, let your children lead the conversation. Listen to their concerns and perceptions of what went wrong without arguing or becoming defensive. Show empathy and validate their emotions, letting them know their feelings are important and that you understand why they might be angry. Validating their emotions doesn't mean you have to agree with their perspective, but it creates a safe space for communication.
Be Patient and Consistent.
Rebuilding trust and a relationship takes time, patience, and consistent effort. There's no quick fix. Be prepared for several difficult conversations as both of you process your feelings. Understand that healing doesn't happen overnight, and the journey may be long.
Respect Boundaries and Allow Them to Set the Pace.
Your adult children may have set boundaries for their emotional well-being, such as limited contact or avoiding certain topics. Respect these boundaries and allow them to set the pace for reconnecting. Avoid pressuring or rushing them into reconciliation.
Focus on Your Own Healing and Growth.
While working to reconnect, also focus on your own healing and personal growth. This can involve seeking therapy or counseling. The inner work you do on yourself can shift the dynamic of the relationship.
Consider Professional Help.
If challenges persist, don't hesitate to seek professional assistance, such as family therapy or counseling, to navigate these complexities and foster deeper connections.
Activities to Consider (once some connection is established):